The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake Read online

  But my voice was so quiet and faltering that I walked shoulder to shoulder between the two of them, up the blocks, as if they were bodyguards protecting me from the elements of street and store. I was still wearing the same T-shirt and jeans I had worn to school, and I had no sweater, so, halfway up the walk, my father took off his suit jacket and handed it over without a word.

  We passed diners, and book buyers, and smokers, and moviegoers.

  At the doorway of a French café near Franklin, we turned as a trio and entered. It was a small place with an uninviting stone façade, but inside, the room was warmly lit, with deep-red walls and a dangling gilded dimmed chandelier and menus so tall I could hide my head behind them. At the back counter, several people wound around stools sipping from half-glasses of wine for the weekend wine-tasting, as advertised on the large chalkboard over the bar. The three of us settled into a booth.

  Sit, Dad said. He got up and spoke to a waiter, who brought us each a glass of water. Dad pushed his over to me. Drink, he said. George waited, hands folded, across the booth. It was as if the two of them had decided telepathically not to ask me anything until we were settled. Dad returned to the waiter and whispered more. He strode back and forth between the two sides of the room with ease. I admired that stride; it was like he folded space in two with it. I rarely saw him so focused on a task like this: this father of the checklists and the special skill, the one who had made the stool, so many years ago.

  He’s good, George said, watching, nodding. He was pulling at the skin on his thumb. I dug in my pocket, found a ponytail holder, handed it over.

  George reddened. Thanks, he said. In seconds, he had it wound around his thumb and was pulling on the elastic.

  Did you call Mom? Dad said, returning to his spot.

  I sipped the cool water. The waiter returned with an egg-brown mug of hot water and a basket of tea options.

  Drink that too, said Dad. You’re shivering.

  I left her a message, I said, pulling out a peppermint tea bag. It’s late there, so she probably won’t get it till morning.

  It’s good you were there, Dad said, accepting his own coffee mug, wrapping his hands around it.

  She told me to go, I said.

  Your mom did? George asked.

  She called this afternoon and asked me to check on Joseph, I said. She was worried.

  Dad exhaled loudly. Closed his eyes. She’s right about half the time, he said, shaking his head. It’s confusing.

  And there, in our corner, while the waiter stepped over with his pad of paper, he laughed a little.

  After we ordered, I told them both the story in detail, except for what I’d seen with the chair legs. I did not explain any of that, as it did not feel to me in any way explainable. My father listened intently, still warming his hands on the thick porcelain of his coffee mug.

  So it’s the usual, he said. He stared into his drink, thinking. Right?

  I guess, I said.

  Then why are you so shaken up? Dad asked.

  Good question, said George, twanging his thumb.

  I rolled the tea bag envelope into a tube. Steam rose in flourishes from my mug.

  I don’t know, I said, unconvincingly.

  George raised his eyebrows. Traced the table’s wood grain with his fingers. He seemed to be feeling the missing words, the gap, and he looked at me keenly, as if to make a bookmark for later.

  A steak frites arrived for George. A jambon sandwich for my father. I was waiting on an onion soup.

  Start, I said.

  My father tilted his head, like it didn’t all fit together. His baguette sandwich was wrapped in white butcher paper and halved on the bias. He pushed it aside.

  Let’s just go over it again, he said, shaking a raw-sugar packet into his coffee. You called George when?

  After, I said.

  And the window was open? Dad asked.

  When I left the room, the window was open, I said.

  And when you returned?

  It was still open.

  And did you call George then?

  Shortly after, I went to the store and called George, I said. Joseph’s phone doesn’t work, I said.

  I think it was around seven-fifteen, George said, eating a French fry. Fry? he said.

  Dad took one, distractedly.

  I’m just trying to understand, Dad said. He emptied three more sugar packets into his coffee. Stirring. He only ate that much sugar when he was really trying to focus; once, during the research phase of a difficult case, he’d gone through fourteen bars of chocolate in one weekend.

  So what did you do right then? he asked. He leaned forward, intent. In addition to the medical dramas, he also enjoyed a lot of cop shows.

  Right when?

  Right when you walked back into the room. He was gone then?

  Yes.

  Did you go to the window? Dad asked.

  From the booth, I looked through the café window to the street, to the faint shine of a silver bumper, parked at a meter. People walking by in blurs.

  No, I said.

  No?

  No.

  Why not?

  I don’t know, I said. I was upset.

  Did you look around the room?

  No, I said.

  Really?

  He wasn’t in the rest of the room, I said, looking back at him.

  How could you tell?

  I just could.

  I would’ve looked around the room, said Dad, swallowing his coffee.

  Sweet enough? I said.

  He lowered his eyebrows. Excuse me?

  I heard nothing, I said. He wasn’t in the room.

  I took a quick look outside the building, George offered, cutting into his steak. Nothing.

  So what did you do then? Dad asked.

  I crumpled a little, into my corner of the booth. He wasn’t there, I said.

  I just think it’s strange, that you didn’t look out the window, Dad said, sitting back and crossing his arms. That’s the first thing anyone would do, he said.

  Sir, said George.

  I looked later, I said.

  And?

  Zip, I said, wrapping his suit jacket more tightly around me.

  Dad peeled the white sandwich paper off into a curl.

  No one seemed bothered by the fact that the window was fairly small, and would be very uncomfortable to climb out of. No one seemed to ask questions or take into account the fact that the ivy bushes, below the window, were intact, and did not seem to have taken on the weight of a body. The window was the only possibility, so, according to my father, Joseph had somehow wriggled out the window and floated down, falling gracefully. He had avoided the bushes, or had puffed them back up before he ran off fleet-footed into the night. It was a good image for my brother. A man all in black, a kind of night thief, the type who would jump freight trains and end up on an island somewhere, king.

  Dad gave a definitive pat to the curved red sections of the booth vinyl. Then he bit into his sandwich. Okay, he said, chewing. I’ll stop. I’m sorry.

  I started to shake again. A tremor moved through me, visibly, like an earthquake.

  George pushed the mug of tea closer. Hey, he said. Drink more.

  He’ll be back, Dad said. He touched my hand. He always comes back, he said.

  My soup arrived. Crusted with cheese, golden at the edges. The waiter placed it carefully in front of me, and I broke through the top layer with my spoon and filled it with warm oniony broth, catching bits of soaked bread. The smell took over the table, a warmingness. And because circumstances rarely match, and one afternoon can be a patchwork of both joy and horror, the taste of the soup washed through me. Warm, kind, focused, whole. It was easily, without question, the best soup I had ever had, made by a chef who found true refuge in cooking. I sank into it.

  Good, I murmured.

  George kept refilling my mug with hot water from the teapot and passing it over.

  We ate in silence. After, at the r
egister, my father insisted on paying for George’s steak. As we left, the cooks waved thanks from the kitchen, through the flash of a swinging white door.

  32 Prospect Avenue was busy by now, night-dark, the half-moon directly above, silvering a sweep of clouds. After George answered a few perfunctory university questions for my father, the three of us walked quietly back to Bedford Gardens, past the coffee shop now milling with people arming up with caffeine to face the evening ahead. Past the rows of houses built in the twenties, with rickety porches and wooden support pillars next to Spanish-tile courtyards and red-tiled roofs. Past the old church on Prospect and Rodney, where sometimes I spied groups huddling on the outside steps with coffee cups. A family of palms: squat, medium and spindly tall. The other trees above us, figs and plums, gleamed in the moonlight, reaching tangled branches up.

  At the building, my father gave me a hug. I asked him if he wanted to run up and check out the apartment, but he said no, to my surprise. It’s not a hospital, I said, but he just squared his eyes onto George. You’ll double-check? he said, and George nodded. We walked him to his car. I told him I’d be home soon. I just have to get my stuff, I said. He shook George’s hand firmly. Good, he said, out of nowhere. George and I stood together, watching him go. All around us cars rumbled by, slow, always hunting for parking spots, and as soon as my father’s brake lights glowed red, another car clicked on its blinker to claim the space.

  George, who had been unusually quiet during the meal, waited for my lead, and after a few minutes we turned from the street and walked into the courtyard area of Bedford Gardens. I couldn’t face the stairs yet, so we stopped at the first level, right by the mermaid fountain with its stop-and-start flow of water. The stone mermaid rested on a rock, holding a tilted bucket, and that’s what the water came from: a steady stream out of her bucket, back into the sea. The fountain itself, although broken, was framed by a nice stone wall, where we sat down. The stones in the wall were damp, but I didn’t mind. The sensation of water creeping into my jeans was uncomfortable but far easier than the whole experience of sitting in that restaurant and trying to describe most of what had happened.

  Hey, Rose, George said after a few minutes, pulling a portion off a nearby banana leaf.

  Yeah?

  He turned to me. The courtyard was dark, except for exterior lamps from a few of the apartments, casting a faint hum of light onto the cement. Heels clicked by, down the sidewalk. With care, George systematically ripped out the green parts of the banana leaf sections, leaving the veins and skeletal structure intact. He worked on it, concentrating. Even with his usual surprised eyebrows, even slightly mussed and tired, he looked almost unbearably handsome to me.

  He let out a breath. Nothing, he said. Sorry.

  What?

  I could see his mind shift over to another subject. When’d you dye your hair? he asked.

  I touched an end. It’s just an experiment, I said. Last month.

  Suits you, he said. How’s school?

  The usual, I said. You?

  It’s good, he said. Nodding, to the leaf. I may be going to Boston in the summer, he said.

  Boston, I said, vaguely.

  MIT, he said.

  We faced out, to the entrance. People strode by in hurries. I could feel George’s body there, so close to mine, so warm and living, and in a distant way I remembered Eliza’s party and realized I’d never told her if I was going to go or not. Something came up, I thought, practicing. George dragged a hand through the fern fronds framing the fountain, the ferns that thrived from the on-and-off drip of the mermaid’s bucket.

  Thanks for coming today, I said. Really. I can’t really thank you enough.

  Oh, he said. Please. I’m so glad you called me. And I was glad to hear from you earlier, really—

  I reached over to his part of the wall. The stone blocks. Not quite touching, just closer. I wanted to grab on to him desperately, but not in a very good way. More like I wanted to get rid of us both for a couple hours.

  We miss you, out there in Pasadena, I said.

  He nodded.

  We, I said. Me.

  —.

  So.

  So.

  Boston, I said.

  Can you tell me, he said gently, what you saw?

  I lowered my head. No, I said.

  Try, he said.

  I made faint slashes in the air. I don’t know how, I said.

  But there’s stuff you didn’t say, he said.

  I kept my eyes on the cement. A cracked fissure began at the base of the fountain wall and then crossed the courtyard like a fixed bolt of lightning.

  George peered up, at the apartment. Shadows crossed our feet, bouncing shapes from the movement of the ferns he’d touched. Leafy light frondy patterns, shot through with the upstairs lamplight that sifted through the courtyard.

  Should we just check, inside? he said.

  I pictured my mother, getting the message in the morning, heading to the airport, a small one in Nova Scotia, blistering with worry, transferring as many times as was necessary.

  Why does she have a bucket? I said.

  Who?

  The mermaid, I said. Does she really need a bucket?

  He stood. Come on, he said. Let’s go in.

  33 At the top of the stairs, we stopped at Joseph’s door.

  What’s this? George asked, pushing on the edge of the bed.

  His, I said. It’s been out there for weeks. He said he wanted to sleep on the floor.

  Huh, George said.

  The phone receiver was on the bed. And this?

  I put it there, I said. You can see, it’s broken.

  I hadn’t locked Joe’s door, so an easy push opened it up, and we stepped inside, into the darkness. Shadows of the furniture in the same places, all things still and inert. The depth of that emptiness. If we’d walked in and found Joseph facedown on the carpet just then, as my mother had discovered him just a couple months earlier, it would’ve been cause for celebration. But the vacant sound of the place, like it was just waiting to produce an echo, hollowing out, cultivating its hollows, only made me want to turn around and leave.

  George brought the phone inside and did the obvious, which I had not even considered, which was to check the base, by the kitchen.

  Unplugged, he said. He stuck the cord back into the jack and returned. Took my hand again.

  Which way’s his room? he said.

  He seemed a little nervous, suddenly.

  Haven’t you been here before? I asked.

  He shrank a little, into his shoulders. Early on? he said. But it’s been a while, he said.

  We walked down the hall, together. Other than the afternoon times with Eddie, I was rarely anywhere alone with a guy, let alone this guy. Something I had wanted for so many years, for my younger self, my current self—this time with George, in an empty apartment, holding my hand! Felt distant now, like something I’d seen in a photograph, or read about in someone else’s diary. Instead, it was like we were stepping one foot at a time over the wooden boards of a suspension bridge. He squeezed my hand, and I held on to his tightly.

  Joseph’s bedroom door was still open at the end of the hall, so it was just a few steps more to enter, and once inside, to my father’s invisible pleasure, George let go of my hand and stepped right up to the open window and looked around and down.

  I stayed in the doorway. Looking at the table. The open laptop. The chair.

  George closed and opened the window, and then did a full exploration of the room: the closet, with its plaid shirts and boots, the pencils on the nightstand, the page of the New York Times glowing on the laptop, once woken up.

  Why’d he give up the bed? he asked, standing in the open rectangular space next to the nightstand.

  I don’t know, I said. Something about his back.

  I wonder if he was sleeping in here at all, he said, pulling on the ponytail holder on his thumb. There’s no sign of anyone sleeping on this carpet.

>   I stepped closer, to George. The room had, in its heavy bareness now, the same full eerie thick feeling I knew so well from years and times earlier.

  So, George said. His face was steady, focused, watching mine, trying to ease things for me. Why don’t you try to show me, he said.

  I shifted, in my spot. Let out a breath. My voice felt too full to use at any length, so I just pointed to the card-table chair, at the desk.

  There, I said.

  George, watching me carefully, sweet beautiful George, went over to the chair and sat in it. Then he looked up at me, expectantly. What else would a person do? If someone points to a chair and says, There, the general response, like George’s, would be to assume that there is something else coming and, in the meantime, sit down. It is something we, people, say: You’re going to need to sit down for this one.

  So then he sat right on the evidence.

  No, sorry, I said, smiling a little. Stand up, I said.

  He nodded. Stood. Okay. Yes?

  I reached for his arm and pulled him right next to me so that we both faced the desk. I linked my arm with his, close.

  There, I said. There.

  Is a chair, George said. And a table.

  That’s what happened, I said.

  I don’t understand, said George.

  I kept pointing. I held on to his sleeve. There, I said.

  The chair is somehow connected to Joseph?

  Yes.

  Can you say more?

  No, I said.

  Why not?

  I put a hand on my forehead. The words lived lower. Below words.

  I don’t know how to say it, I said. He’s gone in, I said.

  He’s sitting?

  No, I said.

  He’s in a wheelchair?

  No, I said.

  He’s turned into a chair? George said, lavishly.

  Ah! I said, and my eyes grew hot and full, and he heard the tears, and glanced over, fast, taking my hands.

  Rose? he said, confused.

  Just don’t move, I said. For a second. Please.

  Outside, car locks beeped on, and I closed my eyes and held one of his hands between my own, so warm, his fingers just bigger than mine, that dry warmth I remembered from years before, from our walk to the cookie shop. How his hand had been a lifeline then, too. For many minutes we just stood and breathed next to each other, closer than usual. I could smell that familiar fruit scent of his soap, and his T-shirt, fresh, just recently washed in the laundry.