The Girl in the Flammable Skirt Read online

  This way, he said, come this way. Nice flowers.

  She felt embarrassed and asked him to hold them for her, which he did, blooms down. They walked side by side and she was aware of his breathing, easy and confident, and aware of his lips. Lips, she thought. I really really miss lips.

  The river leapt over stones, gurgling as rivers do. Its voice lowered and deepened as they walked and the young man told her about his life, about how this was his summer job away from college and one day he wanted to own an art supply store. Interesting, she told him, that will be an interesting store to own. You will buy many different colors of paint.

  Yeah, he said. I like paint.

  The river was speeding up. It made a rushing noise, rocks breaking up the water into foam.

  I want to throw myself in, she thought. I want to crack up on those rocks.

  She looked at the young man.

  Can you swim? she asked.

  Oh, yeah, he said. I’m a great swimmer.

  Would you rescue me, she said, if I went in? Because I’m not a good swimmer.

  Went in that? He pointed to the river just in case there was a choice he didn’t know about. It’s cold in that, he said, and fast. Not a good idea to go in there if you can’t swim.

  But, like I said, she said, would you save me?

  He seemed confused. This was not what he expected from her. I guess I’d try, he said, you know, if it was really dangerous. He took a step back. She walked to him.

  I’m glad, she said.

  He stepped down to a lower plain so he was suddenly her height and she went into his face and kissed those lips, reminded herself. They were so soft. She kissed him for a moment, and then she had to move away; they were too soft, the softness was murdering her.

  Hey, said the young man, nice.

  Mary sat down on the ground and felt like she could not possibly survive with something that soft in the world with her. The two of them could not exist together. No. The young man sat down, he wanted to kiss her again but she said, I have to go now. Did I tell you I was married?

  No, he said, I didn’t know you were married. He looked to her hand and pointed to the ring. Oh, right. Check it out. Cool.

  She thought about Steven and the disc and about pressing her lips down on those plastic curves, pushing hard on them until she pressed her face into his. Pushed past his skin and through his bone and into the quiet warm space underneath, her eyes shut, cell to cell, both unarmed. In there, she thought, inside his mind and flooded with blood, without windows or doors or her knitting or his chair, maybe in there she could hold their faces in her hands and consider something like forgiveness.

  She stood up and the young man reached out his unflowered hand, wanting to pull her to him, wanting her attention again.

  Really, he said, I would rescue you, you know, what you were saying before.

  Yeah, she said, I’m sure you’d try.

  She started back along the path and he followed her. He was so young, he just talked about himself again and she tuned out and watched the shadows of the trees cut lines into the ground. She kicked a few rocks. Back in the parking lot, she held out her hand and grasped his for a second. He had a firm grip.

  Come back, I’ll give you more free gum, he said, handing her back her flowers.

  Okay, she said, I can always use free gum.

  He walked away, looking confused, not really sure what happened, if he was rejected or not. Mary threw the gardenias into the passenger seat, climbed into her car and drove home. She forgot the rest of the groceries and left them in the trunk. Later, when she went to get them, it was only the milk that had spoiled, releasing its warm dank odor on the air.

  Instead she scooped up the flowers and went in to see Steven. He was in his chair, taking a nap. She stood above him and watched him twitch, his hands fluttering as if he’d been drugged. He was in her house: her husband, the love of her life. He was back. He made it. He left; he returned. She wanted to know him again, to enter the nightmare and be in there with him, to fight the demons with her own good weapons. She wanted to join him, but the chair was too small and his brain was his only and all she saw in the ditch were sweaters and a too light sky.

  She reached out to shake him awake but her hand stopped in the air and wouldn’t go farther. No hand was reaching out for her. Stirring in his sleep, he let out a clipped yell. Mary kneeled on the carpet.

  Steven, she whispered, I miss you so, but everything is fine at home.

  Steven, she said, the neighbors got a dog and I am growing out my hair.

  She bowed her head. Removing the plastic wrap, she very carefully kissed the bouquet of gardenias and then placed it onto his stomach.

  Here love, she said, I brought you some flowers.

  She kept her head low. Steven stirred and eyes blinking, woke up to the smell of the gardenias.

  -Mary-, he said, -flowers-, how-beautiful.

  She put her hands over her ears and started to cry.

  THE BOWL

  Let me open it up for you.

  There’s a gift in your lap and it’s beautifully wrapped and it’s not your birthday. You feel wonderful, you feel like somebody knows you’re alive, you feel fear because it could be a bomb, because you think you’re that important.

  When you open the wrapping (there’s no card), you find a bowl, a green bowl with a white interior, a bowl for fruit or mixing. You’re puzzled, but obediently put four bananas inside and then go back to whatever you were doing before: a crossword puzzle. You wonder and hope this is from a secret admirer but if so, you think, why a bowl? What are you to learn and gain from a green and white fruit bowl?

  This is when you think about the last lover you had and feel bad about yourself. This is when you stand with your pencil poised over the crossword puzzle and stare at the wall. This is when you laugh out loud, alone, to yourself, at something funny he said once about crossword puzzles and feel ridiculous for still being able to be entertained by this lover of yore who slept facing the wall and wanted less than you wanted.

  You want a lot.

  You go to make yourself a cup of tea and while you’re prepping your mug you spill the sugar all over the floor. It’s sticky and gets all over your feet; this bothers you; you go to take a shower. As the shower water steams up the bathroom, it reminds you of the unfinished tea, and you dash naked into the kitchen to make sure you haven’t left the burner on. The house a pile of ash with just the bathroom standing. You stand in front of the stove. The stove is off you say to it. You are off. You look at each burner in turn, then the oven part. All off. You go to take a shower and ignore your body. You use a soap puff brush instead of your hands, and when it’s done, you’re fresh and clean and disengaged and anybody.

  At work: your boss has died. Really, you find out your boss has died of a heart attack, yesterday, in his shower, and your first thought is if you’ll still have a job and your second thought is mean, like you wanted him to die anyway. He was a bad boss. At your desk, you feel guilty and not sure what to do; you have no boss, what are the rules? Who can you ask? You make a few lists of things to do and then sit still and do none of them. You think about the bowl and wonder if it has to do with your boss dying, was it some kind of message. You decide it is not a message, but mere coincidence.

  At lunch you order steamed vegetables because you’re remembering that you have a heart too. You feel humbled by your heart, it works so hard. You want to thank it. You give your chest a little pat. When the vegetables arrive, they are twelve on the plate, high green and matte yellow, sliced into fancy ovals and diamonds to disguise the fact that they taste so bad. You pour lemon butter all over them but feel like a big cheat. After several broccolis, you leave the restaurant with your plate still half full and shiny with grease to go visit your brother. He works in the fire department and is handsome in his outfit. You tell him your boss is dead, and it freaks him out. He wonders if he could’ve saved him, had he been there, you know, he knows CPR. Your bro
ther has your face, but a better version, you look better as a man. You think about the women who have loved him and looked into his face while he entered their bodies, and how that’s your face, almost, but also definitely not. You feel gypped.

  “Andy,” you ask him, “will you set me up with a fireman?”

  He laughs. “Sure.” You’ve never asked this before, you wonder if he thinks you’re kidding.

  You go home early because your boss is dead. The fruit bowl sits there, some strange reminder of something you can’t remember. You put the bananas back on the counter and fill the bowl with warm water. You let your hands soak in it, this feels really nice. You sing a little song to yourself, about fruit and bowls and warm water, a song you just made up. You wonder if you’ll go out with the fireman after all, and if you do, will he kiss you? Does a fireman kiss slow or urgent? Will he lift your shirt or run off to water things down just when it’s all seeming better?

  You lie down flat on the orange carpet and close your eyes. You are feeling very lonely. There is a knock at the door, and at first, you wonder if you made it up because you are so lonely. But then there’s another knock, and this one is too emphatic to be part of a fantasy. This one is not a nice knock.

  You look into the peephole. There’s a man in a suit. You wonder if he’s here to investigate if you killed your boss or not. You open the door.

  “I’m here,” he says, “to retrieve a bowl.”

  “What?” His eyebrows stick out from his face, adding great depth. He is an older man, he looks as though his life is not making him happy.

  “I’m here to retrieve a fruit bowl. I think one of them was delivered to you this morning by accident. All wrapped up? A green fruit bowl?”

  You are stunned and confused, it was not for you after all? You empty out the water, and hand him the fruit bowl and he nods. He drips the remaining drops of water onto your welcome mat. The man seems very displeased, and you think it’s something you did, but then realize it has nothing to do with you which is depressing. He tilts his head down slightly in apology, and leaves with the bowl. You shut the door behind him. You want it back. You want the bowl back. You open the door to yell after him, sir, that’s my bowl, it came to my house with my name on the wrapping, that’s my bowl, sir, give me back my bowl. But he’s gone. You go to the sidewalk to look down the street, but he’s gone. All you can see are three kids on bicycles, circling their driveways, seven years old, turning tight circles in their driveways because they’re too scared to go where there might be cars.

  MARZIPAN

  One week after his father died, my father woke up with a hole in his stomach. It wasn’t a small hole, some kind of mild break in the skin, it was a hole the size of a soccer ball and it went all the way through. You could now see behind him like he was an enlarged peephole.

  Sharon! is what I remember first. He called for my mother, sharp, he called her into the bedroom and my sister Hannah and I stood outside, worried. Was it divorce? We twisted nervously and I had one awful inner jump of glee because there was something about divorce that seemed a tiny bit exciting.

  My mother came out, her face distant.

  Go to school, she said.

  What is it? I said. Hannah tried to peek through. What’s wrong? she asked.

  They told us at dinner and promised a demonstration after dessert. When all the plates were cleared away, my father raised his thin white undershirt and beneath it, where other people have a stomach, was a round hole. The skin had curved and healed around the circumference.

  What’s that? I asked.

  He shook his head. I don’t know, and he looked scared then.

  Where is your stomach now? I asked.

  He coughed a little.

  Did you eat? Hannah said. We saw you eat.

  His face paled.

  Where did it go? I asked and there we were, his two daughters, me ten, she thirteen.

  You have no more belly button, I said. You’re all belly button, I said.

  My mother stopped clearing the dishes and put her hand on her neck, cupping her jaw. Girls, she said, quiet down.

  You could now thread my father on a bracelet. The giantess’ charm bracelet with a new mini wiggling man, something to show the other giantesses at the giantess party. (My, my! they declare. He’s so active!)

  My parents went to the doctor the next day. The internist took an X ray and proclaimed my father’s inner organs intact. They went to the gastroenterologist. He said my father was digesting food in an arc, it was looping down the sides, sliding around the hole, and all his intestines were, although further crunched, still there and still functioning.

  They pronounced him in great health.

  My parents walked down into the cool underground parking lot and packed into the car to go home.

  Halfway there, ambling through a green light, my mother told my father to pull over which he did and she shoved open the passenger side door and threw up all over the curb.

  They made a U-turn and drove back to the doctor’s.

  The internist took some blood, left, returned and winked.

  Looks like you’re pregnant, he said.

  My mother, forty-three, put a hand on her stomach and stared.

  My father, forty-six, put a hand on his stomach and it went straight through to his back.

  They arrived home at six-fifteen that night; Hannah and I had been concerned—six o’clock marked the start of Worry Time. They announced the double news right away: Daddy’s fine. Mommy’s pregnant.

  Are you going to have it? I asked. I like being the youngest, I said. I don’t want another kid.

  My mother rubbed the back of her neck. Sure, I’ll have it, she said. It’s a special opportunity and I love babies.

  My father, on the couch, one hand curled up and resting inside his stomach like a birdhead, was in good spirits. We’ll name it after my dad, he said.

  If it’s a girl? I asked.

  Edwina, he said.

  Hannah and I made gagging sounds and he sent us to our room for disrespecting Grandpa.

  In nine months, my father’s hole was exactly the same size and my mother sported the biggest belly around for miles. Even the doctor was impressed. Hugest I’ve ever seen, he told her.

  My mother was mad. Makes me feel like shit, she said that night at dinner. She glared at my father. I mean, really. You’re not even that tall.

  My father growled. He was feeling very proud. Biggest belly ever. That was some good sperm.

  We all went to the hospital on delivery day. Hannah wandered the hallway, chatting with the interns; I stood at my mother’s shoulder, nervous. I thought about the fact that if my father lay, face down, on top of my mother, her belly would poke out his back. She could wear him like a huge fleshy toilet seat cover. He could spin on her stomach, a beige propeller.

  She pushed and grimaced and pushed and grimaced. The doctor stood at her knees and his voice peaked with encouragement: Almost There, Atta Girl, Here We Go—And!

  But the baby did not come out as planned.

  When, finally, the head poked out between her legs, the doctor’s face widened with shock. He stared. He stopped yelling Push, Push and his voice dried up. I went over to his side, to see what was going on. And what I saw was that the head appearing between my mother’s thighs was not the head of a baby but rather that of an old woman.

  My goodness, the doctor said.

  My mother sat up.

  I blinked.

  What’s wrong? said my father.

  Hannah walked in. Did I miss anything? she asked.

  The old woman kicked herself out the rest of the way, wiped a string of gook off her arm, and grabbing the doctor’s surgical scissors, clipped the umbilical cord herself. She didn’t cry. She said, clearly: Thank Heaven. It was so warm in there near the end, I thought I might faint.

  Oh my God, said Hannah.

  My mother stared at the familiar wrinkled face in front of her. Mother? she said in a tiny voice.


  The woman turned at the sound. Sweetheart, she said, you did an excellent job.

  Mother? My mother put a hand over her ear. What are you doing here? Mommy?

  I kept blinking. The doctor was mute.

  My mother turned to my father. Wait, she said. Wait. In Florida. Funeral. Wait. Didn’t that happen?

  The old woman didn’t answer, but brushed a glob of blood off her wrist and shook it down to the floor.

  My father found his voice. It’s my fault, he said softly, and, hanging his head, he lifted his shirt. The doctor stared. My mother reached over and yanked it down.

  It is not, she said. Pay attention to me.

  Hannah strode forward, nudged the gaping doctor aside and tried to look up inside.

  Where’s the baby? she asked.

  My mother put her arms around herself. I don’t know, she said.

  It’s me, said my mother’s mother.

  Hi Grandma, I said.

  Hannah started laughing.

  The doctor cleared his throat. People, he said, this here is your baby.

  My grandmother stretched out her wrinkled legs to the floor, and walked, tiny body old and sagging, over to the bathroom. She selected a white crepe hospital dress from the stack by the door. It stuck to her slippery hip. Shut your eyes, children, she said over her shoulder, you don’t want to see an old lady naked.

  The doctor exited, mumbling busy busy busy.

  My mother looked at the floor.

  I’m sorry, she said. Her eyes filled.

  My father put his palm on her cheek. I grabbed Hannah and dragged her to the door.

  We’ll be outside, I said.

  We heard her voice hardening as we exited. Nine months! she was saying. If I’d known it was going to be my mother, I would’ve at least smoked a couple of cigarettes.

  In the hallway I stared at Hannah and she stared back at me. Edwina? I said and we both doubled over, cracking up so hard I had to run to the bathroom before I wet my pants.

  • • •